Check-out Lady

Dear Grocery Store Check-out Lady,
Thank you for your brilliant parenting tips today. There is nothing more helpful to a stressed-out mother than having you explain the naptime, lunchtime, shopping time cycle while a wailing two year old screams in the shopping cart. Your diatribe regarding how YOU managed your children when they were little (in order to avoid scenarios like mine) was both insightful and inspiring. I hope to one day be a perfect mom like you and raise perfect children who never cry due to teething, feeling ill, or just plain being cranky. Perhaps your position in the express lane is not your calling. Have you considered a daytime show like Dr. Phil? Maybe until the networks call you can just scan and bag my 15 lousy items QUICKLY, so that I may get home sooner. Thanks.